Because I Love Her

I was given this by my friends in Sigma Phi Lambda during college and have clung to it ever since.

It has brought great meaning for me several times in my life, including the birth of Hannah, and now the birth and death of Eva. I will always cherish these words, the message, and the scripture that accompanies these words.

Lord, I want to hold Your hand. I want to listen to Your voice. Please cradle me in Your arms, reshape me, mold me, conform me to Your image. Thank You for loving me.


"Because I Love Her...."
I made her…she is different.
She’s unique.
With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her.

I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh.
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure.
This is how I made her.

I made her pretty and not beautiful,
Because I knew her heart,
And I know that she would be vain…
I wanted her to search her heart,
And to learn that it would be Me in her,
That I would draw friends to her.

I made her in such a way that she would need Me.
I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be…
Only because of the need for her to learn and depend on Me…
I know her heart,
I know that if I had not made her like this
She would go her own chosen way
And forget me…her Creator.

I have given her many good and happy things…
Because I love her.

Because I love her I have seen her broken heart…
And the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her,
And had a broken heart, too.

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone,
Only because she would not hold My hand.
So many lessons she has learned the hard way
Because she would not listen to My voice.

So many times I have watched her go her merry way,
Only to watch her return to My arms,
Sad and broken.

And now she is mine again…
I made her,
And then I bought her…
Because I love her.

I have to reshape and mold her.
To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me.

I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her,
Because I love her.

Eva Genelle 6/8 - 9/19/09

Our Sweet Eva Genelle passed away this morning at 4:44am. She was laying in bed in between her mommy and daddy.

We will be planning a memorial service at some point in time. We will keep everyone posted on the details as we get them.

Please keep checking in at caringbridge.org/visit/clearfield for details.

Thank you for all the love and support you have shown.

Love,
Jessica, Dan, Hannah, and Eva

Ah Oh!!!

Hannah can open the refrigerator! We are in trouble now.

Scripture

Psalm 139: 13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you:
do not be dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Psalm 62: 5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope come from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all time, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Nehemiah 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

II Corinthians 5:7
We live by faith, not by sight

Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Caring Bridge

I have set up a website at CaringBridge so that everyone can go to one place to see updates on Eva's birth Monday. I will have someone posting updates on the site throughout the day, as they can, and throughout the week to update you all on my recovery from the C-section.

The site is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/clearfield

You can subscribe to get e-mails when we update the site or just bookmark it and check back when you want to. I would appreciate it if you would sign the guest book so that I know who is reading.

I'll try to keep in touch this weekend, maybe post pictures from last week, but I will also be very busy so please forgive me if that doesn't actually happen.

the scoop

Ok, here's the deal with Eva. We are going to try to schedule the c-section for Monday. However, I am keeping a close eye on Eva's movement every day. If I notice her slowing down significantly, we will head to L&D to get evaluated and she may arrive sooner. I am ok with whatever happens. That doesn't mean that I don't have my freak-out moments. I am not good with waiting or with not knowing when she will arrive. I would really hate to loose her before she's born, especially after making it this far, but I don't want to rush into delivering her now just out of fear either. Monday is best for us as far as scheduling goes with Dan and our families and our Doctor. So, that's what we are aiming for. If she needs to arrive sooner or if we loose her, we will live through that as well.

I will have someone post here and/or send an e-mail to the spouse's group so that everyone knows when we are heading in to the hospital.

Keep the prayers coming for my nerves and for Eva's strength. I would give anything to meet my little girl and look into her eyes even if just for a moment. I want her Daddy to get to hold her and feel her move. It's not fair that I've gotten to know her so well for these 35weeks and he may only have a moment. But, that's what I wish for - for him to get to feel her little body in his hands.

I'm hoping my next post will be full of photos from Hannah's birthday party and other happy events. Someone will update you all on Eva again on the day she is arriving.

Nevermind

After speaking to the Dr personally, rather than just speaking to her receptionist, it appears that it would be better for Eva to be born before the 11th. No one knows for sure how long have, of course, but the blood flow was significantly worse yesterday than it was 10 days ago. So, Dan and I are reconsidering Eva's birth date. I would go for Saturday if I could talk one of the Doctors into doing it, but I doubt that's an option. Monday may be the day. We'll see. I think we may just leave it up in the air and I'll let you all know when I actually head to the hospital. Keep the prayers coming - the unknowns are not good for me. UGH!!!



June 11, 2009 will be Eva's birthday if all goes as planned. I feel weird even typing "planned" because non of this has gone according to plan so far, so I don't really know if I expect her to actually arrive on this day or not. However, if we haven't met her before then, she will be arriving around 12pm on June 11, 2009.

I am scheduled for a c-section. I chose to wait until noon so that I could get a chance to wake up with Hannah and explain to her where I am going and that she will see me later in the day.

Please continue to pray for us. We need Eva to stay strong and active until her birthday so that she has a chance to meet her family. As of today, both grandmothers, at least one grandfather and 2 aunts are planning to be at her birth. Her big sister is ready to meet her as well and we truly hope we get the opportunity to introduce them to each other.

Other than strength for Eva, I need prayers for peace. My anxiety may shoot up during this last week, and I really need help to release the worry and place it at the feet of the Lord. I'm not always good at doing that, but that's why I've made it this far. That's the reason I chose to carry Eva to the end. I want God to do His work with us - what ever that may be. I need daily reminders that He is in control.

Thank you all again for your wonderful support so far. I will keep updating as I can.

Blessings

I am sitting here in a very quiet house and can't get my mind off of all the wonderful blessings I've been given lately. Hannah is actually napping today, Whoa!, thanks to Keren who lovingly stayed with her while I went to the Dr and gently told her to lay back down after cleaning her bottom (thanks Keren, sorry about the surprise she had for you ;)) I would usually just lay down and try to rest, but I can't really rest right now.

First, I got to sleep in thanks to Emmy and G waking up with Hannah, feeding her, and keeping her entertained. So, I'm really not all that tired anyway. This should lead to a very good evening once Dan gets home and we can help Hannah enjoy all of her new birthday gifts.

Thank you to all of you who helped us celebrate Hannah's 3rd birthday yesterday. She was all smiles and I haven't seen that much joy on her face for that many hours in a long time. Dan and I really wanted to give her a very special day during this very stressful time. We are so blessed to know each and every one of you - you all made it a wonderful day. Not only are Dan and I blessed to have found such wonderful friends here in Columbus, but I never knew how much joy it would bring us to see Hannah loving all of her wonderful friends. Hannah loves each and every one of your children and even asks me to "talk to God about her friends" every night. We have even gotten to know many of your spouses and even your parents. I can't even begin to tell you how much you all mean to us.

We are so blessed to have a wonderful family who is willing to fly across the country to celebrate the day with us. Hannah had a blast with Emmy and G! All the outdoor gifts are perfect and will provide tons of entertainment this summer. Hannah even got to talk on the phone with her wonderful aunts and uncles who were unable to be here, but would never forget her birthday.

Also, and this may seem trivial at first, but bear with me, we have been very blessed by generous gifts from both sides of our families, several friends, and even strangers recently. Both of our parents have generously offered to help us out financially lately - not that they haven't in past, but it means so much right now. Strangers have sent us clothes and keepsakes for Eva. String of Pearls mailed me a keepsake kit to get Eva's hand and footprints, clay molds, an ornament, a photo book, a journal, and even tea to help dry my milk if I am unable to nurse Eva. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is sending someone to take maternity/family photos of us as well as coming to Eva's birth to get her first photos. Before I knew that NILMDTS would take maternity photos, Melissa Jones offered to give us a great deal on a full photo shoot at Homestead Park with a CD of all the proofs - I will share our favorites soon. Several mothers from car-seat.org have shared their stories with me about losing their own infants and sent me books and links that helped them make it through the tough times. All of these things, although mostly monetary and material, have such a HUGE emotional impact as well. When our minds are consumed of thought of Eva and the unknown, the stress of looking for preemie items, or calling photographers, or calling medical billing offices, really take an extra emotional toll. Each and every gift, however small they may seem to the giver, have a huge impact on our hearts.

Anytime a worry is lifted, we have more time to focus on our family now. We are able to focus on allowing Hannah to have the best childhood we can give her. The less I worry, the more smiles I can share with her. The more bills that are paid off, the more I can allow myself to enjoy a nice play group that may cost a little bit extra - or even a nice dinner at Red Robin. Every time I can scratch something off of my "to do for Eva" list, I am able to just concentrate on enjoying my pregnancy with her. Yes, I do enjoy every bit of it - even the back pain and headaches and sleepless nights and swelling and pelvis pain and kicks to the bladder and even watching my weight climb ever so high on the scale. I complain, but I love it just the same. She's my little girl and she can kick me any time she wants to, just as her big sister can run up and hit me in the face with her birthday balloons any time she wants to (I got to experience that this morning).

I also got an e-mail from a friend back home asking if my mom was on the radio this morning sharing our story. I assumed "no" because my mom doesn't call into radio shows. Well, she did this morning! It was a conservative radio talk show in DFW and they were discussing the murder of the late-term abortion Dr yesterday and several related issues. My mom called in to share my story as a mother who refused to terminate even after a fatal diagnosis. I now have many more strangers in the DFW area praying for me and our family. What a blessing! Thanks mom. Unfortunately, they don't have the call-in part of the show on-line, so I can't hear what was said, but still a blessing to know our story may have helped a woman in a similar situation decide to carry her baby and see what blessings God may have in store for her through the tough times.

Blessings, blessings, blessings everywhere and we don't know what we've done to deserve them all. We certainly are thankful for them all and want you all to know how much you mean to us and how much we love and cherish each and everyone of you. We thank God for you all.

Ok, I guess I should go enjoy the rest of nap time and catch up on my soap operas - ABC is actually coming in today after almost 2 weeks of always going out during "my stories".

Our little Princess

How can you not smile each and every day when you have this to keep you going? Things like this make up for her smart mouth and temper tantrums.........most of the time. Enjoy!

Hannah's new, new favorite bear

I'm sure those of you have or have ever had a toddler know that they become attached to different things at different times, for random reasons. Well, this past week, Hannah has become attached to this Beanie Baby bear that was given to her at birth by her great aunt Alisa. I also decided this week that I will be ordering one for Eva as well. Anyway, she has been taking this bear everywhere this week, sleeping with it, carrying it around the house, hiding it when she can't be with the bear (???), etc. After nap time today - which was sleepless again - she carried out of her crib and I saw her take it into my room and put it on the bed.

Fast forward a few hours and we have a few people from Homecare Hospice come by to talk about the possibility of Eva coming home and needing nursing care. During this meeting, Hannah became very needy and needed her baby bear. Dan and I both searched all over the house, in every hiding spot and under every piece of furniture. We try to give her the comfort she needs when she gets stressed about all the activities surrounding Eva lately - so we were willing to put our guests on hold and search for this little bear. NO luck! We manage to distract her with other things.

Fast forward again to bedtime. She is in her crib, laying down, all seems well, until she asks for baby bear again. The search continues. It dawned on me that she sometimes puts her little animals in the drawers of my jewelry armoire. I look in there, no; I look in my nightstand drawer, no; on a whim, I look in my bedside trash can, BINGO! There was the elusive Baby Bear. Hannah was very happy to have her companion for bed time afterall. She fell asleep quickly and hopefully her companion will keep her quiet throughout the night.

Her hiding places are getting better and better (for her) OR worse and worse (for us). She always keeps us on our toes. Always!

Conversations with Hannah

Hannah brings her baby "Rain Rain" into the room with one of her new diapers and says, "She's crying. I a good doctor. I make her better."
me - you are a good Dr.
H - yes.
me - are you going to be a Dr when you get big like mommy and daddy?
H - yes. and I get big and drive car and go to work and eat food *breath* and you will sit in the car seat like I does and be a baby and I drive you to work and get food *breath* and I carry you like this (cradled) and rock you and sing Rock A By Baby.
me - ok. I can't wait.
H - yes. I a good Doctor.
*Her baby never got a new diaper after that, but hannah did get her to stop crying.*

Then, during nap time, she starts calling for me, but I can't understand what she's saying. Usually, it's "I all done" or "I have poopy", etc. I had to stand by her door to make sure what I was hearing before I went in.
She was yelling, "Mommy, I a hippo!"
Confused, I go in and see her piled in the corner of her crib wrapped in a blanket and pretending to sit/swim in the water like a hippo. ????? She then asked me to be a hippo. I refused, as I wanted nap time to continue. She threw a little fit, I raised my voice a little bit, then we continued nap time.

Later in the day, I was trying to find a way to escape and be alone with my shows. Hannah insists on watching "her shows" all the time now if the TV is on. So I said, "why don't you watch a show in the living room and mommy will watch a show in my room". Hannah, "Naahhh, that not a good idea." SO close!

Another day, nap time, she takes several animals with her to bed. I hear her still playing in there 45minutes later and yell through the door to lay down and go to sleep. She says, OK, but first we are being a circus. I said, go to sleep now, babies too. She said, OK, but first I need a drink. I go in her room with drink in hand and she shows me how her babies are being a circus. I tell her, they don't need to be circus right now, it's nap time. She says, "No, Mommy, we are PRETENDING to be a circus". Yes, Hannah, I understand you are pretending, but it's time to pretend to sleep now. She did end up falling asleep that day -finally. I think the babies may need to come out of the bed. They keep her awake with all "their" pretending.

Last night, we were brushing Hannah's teeth and I lifted my shirt to look at the state of my belly button. Hannah looked at me perplexed and asked, "Mommy, why you gettin' SO BIG!?" It was as if she was noticing my big belly for the first time.
I explained Eva was growing in there and making Mommy's belly big. She didn't seem to like it at first, but pointed out where Eva's arm was (pointing to a big vein on my belly) then said that she could see Eva's eyes. Later, during bed time, she was sitting on her rocking chair and pushed out her belly and said, "Mommy, look, I gettin' SO BIG, too!"

Oh, Hannah now calls Dan, Dan! Let me tell you, he LOVES that - NOT!

She has also taken to saying "Naaaaaahhh", when asked to do something. "She will also say, Nah, you can do it."

If told that she must do such and such so that we can - go to play group, go to the play ground, eat dinner, etc - she thinks on it and says "I don't want to - fill in the blank. The threats don't work with her anymore. I just have to give direct orders.

On Mother's Day, we had a very busy day - thanks to Dan for making the day wonderful. We tried to give Hannah a nap, but she never fell asleep. So, by 8pm when we left the Olive Garden to drive home, she refused to get into her car seat. I put on my stern voice and told her to get in her seat "right now young lady. I mean it." She wrinkles up her nose at me and says "I am sick of the attitude!" Wow, there's something else I can no longer say to her.

She also enjoys telling us both "NO!". We are working on that one.

Our Weekend

We had another great weekend!
Dan was home, well - except for Saturday morning. We love when he's home over the weekend. I get a few breaks here and there and Hannah listens to Dan a little better than she does me, so he's a big help when she's being defiant.

Saturday morning, Dan had to work a marathon but was home by nap time and we enjoyed a quiet day followed by going to see the new Wolverine movie! After the movie, we enjoyed ice cream at Dairy Queen. The perfect date! Thank you to Kelly for watching Hannah for us!

Hannah has been giving up nap time - she just sits and plays in her crib for 2 hours, then calls me with "Mommy, I all done napin!" I am NOT ready for her to give up naps, but at least she stays contained and quiet for a while. So, while at Kelly's house, she couldn't help but fall asleep on her couch for at least an hour before we got there to get her. She went back down easily once we made it home. We thought we were set, until about 1 or 2am (not sure the time because I was out of it) when Hannah called us into her room - I sent Dan in - and she told him "we need to go outside, it's such a beautiful day!" WHAT!? It's 2am, go to sleep! We both had to go back in and give her water and hugs and kisses, then she went back to sleep and was up at her usual time of about 9am. Not too bad for her after an exciting night with friends, a late nap, and a 2am wake up call.

Sundays are always my favorite days. Dan rarely works on Sundays, so I can count on nice quiet family days. If we are up on time and feeling well, Hannah and I eat breakfast together and go to Church while Dan sleeps in a little bit. Then we enjoy lunch and nap time together. Evenings are either filled with a family dinner, play time, or Bible Study for me (alone or with Hannah). This Sunday was both of us going to Bible Study so that Dan could "get some work done" - what ever that means.

Bible Study was intersting this time. There were 6 kids there, all 4 and under, so there was a lot of noise and chaos and not much actual "studying". We had a nice night of girl talk instead. We'll pick up on the Study next week.

Now Monday is here and we had a nice restful night, a normal wake up, breakfast, and we had planned on going to see the butterflies at the Conservatory with some new friends from my car seat board. Unfortunately, one of my friends 5 girls (that's right 5 girls!) is sick, so she called to reschedule. Just when I was getting bummed about the change of plans, another friend called to invite me for a mani and pedi today while her husband watches Hannah. OF course I want to!!! You don't have to ask me twice! Thanks Michelle! Now, we are heading out to the grocery store and then over to our friend's place for another great afternoon.

Who could ask for more?

Baby Eva update

I met with Eva's pediatrician today. It was our first meeting and we just discussed the basics, our desired birth plan, and when we would re-evaluate everything. He was very nice, treated me like a regular pregnant momma and spoke of Eva as a child rather than a chromosomal karyotype. I liked him immediately just for those reasons. Further, he seems to have the same outlook that Dan and I do - we have to wait and see what Eva is capable of when she is born. Our birth plan will include several options for the several possible outcomes - still born, struggling at birth, doing well, may come home with hospice, etc. He never once told me that she didn't have chance, as many other Drs have done. He was very clear of the possible outcomes and realistic that we have no clue what will happen until we lay eyes on her.

Let me say, though, that the term "DNR-comfort care only" should NEVER be used when referring to an infant. It's just not right. Unfortunately, that is the reality at times. That will be our decision if Eva is not doing well at birth. If she is doing well, we are open to other options for her care depending on what she shows us she is capable of. She has already proven to be capable of more than we initially gave her credit for. She's still thriving in her momma's belly and kicks me like crazy just to prove it.

*I did put up two sonogram pictures of her from our 20week scan. In the first one, that is foot pointing to her forehead and in the next one it is closer to her mouth. Right after that, her hand met her foot and she tried to shove both in her open mouth. It was very cute. These were taken on the same day we got her diagnosis, so it was difficult to see at the time, and we were not ready to share the pictures with anyone. Now that we have processed everything and have fallen completely in love with her, we are very proud to share her with our friends and family.

Our next appointment is with the neonatal cardiologist for a fetal ECHO on May 13th. He will tell us how Eva's heart is doing, how it's changed, how it's functioning now, and how it might function after birth. We will know more about her immediate prognosis after this, and can change our birth plan accordingly at that time. After that, I have another sonogram and OB appt on the 22nd. I will be almost 34weeks along and we will be making plans for induction - or at least discussing it. Depending on my fluid levels and Eva's position, we will need to decide on a date for induction as well the possibility for a c-section. If she is breech, we may not have a choice, for my safety. Right now, we are just hoping she goes head down before then. Flip, Eva, Flip!!!!

I also wanted to share that although my posts about Eva tend to be more positive now, I assure you that I am not always positive. I only choose to share the higher points of my days, but there are many sad moments as well. After discussing birth plans and intervention options and what exactly DNR-comfort care only means, I was very sad the remainder of the day. I am lucky to have my mom to talk me through my sad moments and conflicting thoughts and lucky to have a great, supportive husband who picks up the slack when I need to be alone for a while. Lately my sad times have included listening to a few great songs that give me hope and encouraging. Sometimes I just sing and smile and pray through these songs. Other times, I let the tears flow and other times I weep and weep and cry out to God. Here are links to two of my favorite songs right now. The first was written by Angie Smith and her husband (form the band Selah) about their daughter, Audrey Caroline, who they lost shortly after birth. The video and lyrics are tear jerkers, just to warn you. The second is just a slide show of nature scapes with the lyrics prinited. I sit and listen to these songs over and over and get a different reaction each time. It's my time to sit alone and reflect on my thoughts and cry and talk to Eva and talk to God. I will try to come back and add just the lyrics later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Here is Chris Tomlin talking about writing the song, "I Will Rise". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BLY5rr24mM

OK, I had to come back and add another song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ijXwHoKeAY&feature=related

Defying the odds

We made it to 30 weeks! This is a huge accomplishment, as the Doctors and most research said that it was unlikely Eva would survive this long. I am so proud that we have made it this long. I say we, because not only am I proud that Eva has stayed strong this long, but I am also proud of myself for sticking it out. This has been a rough pregnancy from the start and even with all the struggles I've faced, I am more than happy to do it for my little girl. I am so happy I decided to carry her as long as she is here. This wasn't an easy decision, nor has it been easy to live this everyday, but it is so worth it. I know that I will look back on these days with happiness and I will feel lucky to have built these memories with Eva. I will always remember how low she likes to lay, how much she loves sugar (she kicks like crazy as soon as something sweet hits my lips), how she likes to stay up late and play while I'm trying to rest, and lately how much she likes to dance with her little feet on my cervix and bladder - what fun that has been! - causing Braxton Hicks contractions multiple times a day. If this were a "normal" pregnancy, I would be in and out of Labor & Delivery every day just making sure I wasn't in labor. This little girl definitely likes to keep me on my toes - just like her big sister.

Speaking of her big sister, Hannah is also sure that she has a baby in her belly. However, Hannah is carrying a baby monkey. She is protective of her baby monkey, just like any good mommy would be. One day, Dan did a raspberry on her tummy and she said, "NO ma'am! Don't do that, I have a baby in my belly!" She is so sweet. She likes to give Eva hugs and kisses and she tells everyone that Eva gave her a kiss on the cheek, too.

I will be back later to upload a sonogram picture of Eva. I need to figure out our new scanner, first, but be sure to check back to get a glimpse of our little one. The pictures from our 20week scan is the best one we have, so I have to post those. I will post the ones of her trying to put her foot in her mouth - just like her Mommy does on a regular basis.

Another funny bedtime story

First, A little background:
Last year, the press criticized the play of the Oklahome State College quarterback. His coach went on record defending him and telling the press to lay off. During a famous press conference, the coach said, "if you want to pick on someone, don't pick on a kid, pick on me; I'm a man - I'm 40!" Dan thought this was hilarious and had recently turned 30. So, he began saying "I'm a man, I'm 30!" He would say this during any argument. Hannah heard this once and picked up on it. She will say it randomly at times, out of nowhere. It's been weeks/months now since we heard this from her.

Well, lately she has developed quite a little attitude with me and will wrinkle her nose and start to get bossy with me. She is also fighting nap/bedtime lately. Last night, I was getting fed up and told her in a stern voice to "lay down and close her eyes" while I sat in her chair for a minute (this is our routine). She complied for about 20seconds, then popped up, wrinkled her nose at me and said in her own stern voice, "I'm a man, I'm 30!" It was all I could to not roll on the floor laughing. I collected myself, didn't let her get away with the attitude and then walked out of the room to share with Dan. We laughed for several minutes.

We are amazed every day by what comes out of her little mouth. She is a sponge and will bring things up from weeks/months ago and just knock us on the floor laughing.

She really is the light of our lives!

Recent Pics

Hannah is being calm today and playing quietly alone so I thought I would download some recent pics. On Friday we went to the park with friends. Hannah and Madeline had a blast together - they are such sweet little BFFs. We had a great morning. I got a headache in the afternoon which followed me all weekend and is still lingering today. That, on top of lack of sleep, led to a rough weekend emotionally for me.

The weekends seem to be the hardest, but I'm not sure why. I usually feel better when Monday rolls around. Maybe it has something to do with Dan being here to pick up the slack so I can let myself feel what ever I want? That makes sense. It's not too bad, though, not like I sit around weeping, just quiet introspection really. But, throughout the bad moments, joyful moments happen that make us laugh. Hannah is a joy!

Here are some pics from our weekend.
First at the Park:
Snack time with Madeline

Big Blue Slide
Really big tunnel slide
Swings with Madeline
Bridge with Madeline: Madeline was VERY concerned that Hannah was putting her head through the bars. She kept holding her back and saying "be careful, don't fall". It was sweet.
On the top of the slides with Evelyn.
Her day with Daddy while Mommy got some much needed rest and headache relief.

Showing Jimbo some love and him returning the love to Hannah.

They have a tight relationship because Hannah lets him have her left overs - like this princess cup filled with left over chocolate milk and a few stray pieces of dinner food. Lil' Lisa was sad she missed out on the action.
Here I am at 29weeks. I am much larger than I was with Hannah at this point. It's strange to big bigger since Eva is smaller and my fluid is low. The little bit of extra weight I had before Eva came along added to the fact that I eat worse now than I did in 2005/06, means a lot of it is just extra fat layers and not really baby. Anyway, Eva is still very active and finally taking advantage of all the room she has in there. She moves from top to bottom and side to side quite often.


P.S. We lost another "birthday fish" this weekend. They were not fed while we were in California and their water got low, so it's no wonder one of them didn't make it. He/she/it had a long life though. Almost a whole year in the Clearfield household! We now have 3 birthday fish, 2 black spotted fish, and sucker fish - who is the mystery culprit that keeps moving the rocks around and knocking over Dory, the fish from Nemo.

A Conversation with Dan

Me: Why is my towel on the bathroom floor?
Dan: I needed to step out of the shower to get my razor and put it down so the floor wouldn't get too wet.
Me: Why didn't you use your towel?
Dan: I didn't know that one was yours.
Me: How did you not know that one was mine? Who's did you think it was?
Dan: I thought we used the same towel.
Me (annoyed): No, Dan, we don't use the same towel, that's why there are two hooks and two different towels at all times. The same reason I told you last week that we do not share a toothbrush. Two of something means one is yours and one is mine.
Dan (laughing and sarcastic): We don't use the same toothbrush? Wait, which one is yours?

(And yes, he was actually using my toothbrush for a while. Gross!)

And such is a day in the life of Jessica living with Dan, my first of 4 children. Who are the other 3 you ask? First was Dan, then he went out and got Jimbo even though the dog peed on his leg at the pound - he was still "the one" - yeah, that worked out well; he's wonderfully trained. Then I just had to have Lil'Lisa and she has caused her own trouble around here (still poops in the floor at times). My 4th child was Hannah and in many, many ways is still the easiest of them all, even though, by the end of the night I wish I was a drinker so I could calm my nerves with some wine or beer or vodka - yeah, that's it, straight up vodka should do the trick. Since I can't drink, I'll just stick to prescription medications. If only I could find a Doctor to prescribe me the good stuff!

Edited to Add: It's not that he used my towel, it's that he threw it on the floor, walked on it, and left it there. It was a fresh towel and now it's dirty. Also, if I had to use his toothbrush, I would. But if there are two in the holder, just use your own - that's what it's there for. After 7yrs of marriage, does he really not know that we have separate towels and toothbrushes? Really? The level of clueless amazes me sometimes and really makes me laugh. Not that I don't have my clueless times - I'm sure I drive him bananas too.

Also, after living here for 2yrs, you would think he could remember where we keep the soup bowls so he doesn't have to ask me every time he makes soup. I think he just enjoys pestering me. He KNOWS where the bowls are. ;)

Love ya, Babe! Really, I do. :)p

"I a doggy"

Last night Dan had a killer headache and went to lay down while Hannah and I played for a little while. When it was time to wake him up, I told Hannah to go give him a hug and kiss and tell him it was time to get up. She ran in the room and the dogs followed her. I kicked them out and she insisted that they needed to give "daddy kisses too". I told her no, they would give him kisses later. Well, she crawled up next to him, gave him a hug, then licked his cheek. That's right, LICKED his cheek. She was giving him doggy kisses since the dogs couldn't.

Pretending to be a dog is her new thing. Also, having others pretend to be dogs so she can tell them to "sit, lay, stay, etc". She also rewards them with treats for behaving and following commands. Luckily, I have escaped this torture so far, but Daddy and G (Dan's dad) have both had to endure this game of hers.

When Hannah is pretending to be a dog, she tells me "I a doggy". Oh, what fun the imagination stage is. Now if only I could get her to follow commands like a doggy. That would be a big help.

Many things to update

We are home! We had a 16hr day on Thursday that stretched into early Friday morning. I woke Hannah up at 8am California time and we did not arrive home until 2am Ohio time. What a day! We flew stand by, so we missed the first few flights we tried to get on, then the 4th flight was a little late. Finally, the flight from DFW to Ohio was over 2hrs late! Fortunately, my dad met us at the airport and we got to visit for a couple of hours. Our flight finally took off a little after 10pm Central time, landed at 1:30am Ohio time. Hannah was in bed and asleep at 2:30am and slept until about 2pm the next day. I wasn't about to wake her up! She didn't sleep during our entire trip home on Thursday, so she needed the sleep. We are almost back on track with our sleep/nap schedule.

BIG NEWS!!! Dan made Cheif Resident! He has wanted to make Cheif since starting at the family practice program. He has worked really hard to earn the spot and we are so very proud of him. He will be sharing the position with Alison Himes, who has also worked hard to earn the position. Next year will be great with those too in the Cheif Resident position. Way to go, Dan!!

Also, more props to Dan for having the house clean when I returned home from California. That was a big surprise and a relief to have less to do this week. Thanks again, Dan! Then, on Saturday, I got to sleep in - almost until Hannah's nap time. After I got her settled for nap, I left the house for some ME time. I went shopping for regular groceries that we needed. I love the store when Hannah's not with me. Then I went on the hunt for new eyeglasses. That was a task and took forever, but I finally picked a pair. I just can't do contacts. I hate them. It's a nice idea, but my eyes get dry and the contacts move around and get blurry. What's the point if I can only see clearly half the time? I would rather just deal with glasses until I'm able to have Lasik eventually. I've had glasses this long, why change now? Oh well.

After having the day to myself, I returned home in time for bedtime and felt much more relaxed, rested, and ready to deal with home life again. Sunday was a great day filled with lots of family time and getting work done around the house. We had a nice dinner together and a nice evening of games and books and a relaxing bedtime. It was a great weekend!

Everything else is pretty much the same as it was before. I am still getting bigger and more uncomfortable by the day. It is worth it though, because I can see and feel Eva growing and getting more and more active. She lets me know she's doing well every single day by kicking me and rolling around. I can feel her up by my belly button now. She moving around more and more and taking full advantage of all the room she's got in there.

The only change so far has been that we have decided to stay with Dr. Papp and let her deliver Eva at Doctor's Hospital. If we don't stay with her, we would have to start all over with a brand new Dr and I don't want to do that. We would rather stay with her as we have been very pleased with the care she has provided and with her staff and the hospital staff. We will just pray for as peaceful of an experience as possible so that it's not too painful for me to return to the hospital after Eva arrives.

I will try to post pictures when I can. I really hate how long it takes to download photos here. I may just put it all on Snapfish and refer you all there to look at photos. If you just can't wait to see pictures of our trip, Dan has posted some on his Facebook page. If you are friends with him, pop over there and take a look.

California

We are enjoying our week in California.  Dan's dad turned 60 yesterday and we through him a surprise bash.  It was wonderfully planned for over 6months and we can't believe that everyone held in the secret for so long.  Friday night we had a wonderful dinner and yesterday was a bus tour through wine country (no car seat on the bus!!! - talk about nervous mommy), including a stop at 2 vineyards and a picnic lunch at a nature and art preservation.  The weather couldn't have been more perfect!  I was not expecting so much walking, so I did get pretty exhausted quickly and with my irritable uterus had to sit out a couple of times to rest.  By the end of the LONG day I was bushed.  The house was full of family and friends and it was very difficult to just sit down.  All the up and down gave me several BH contractions, but Eva stayed active through it all, so I knew all was well.  By the end of the day, my lower back and pelvis KILL me, but that's normal for any pregnancy when you've already gained 20lbs and have to carry around a 30lb toddler.  

That's right, Hannah is already 30lbs!  Well, almost, but it's such a small margin, we just round up.  She's getting so big, she is in 3T clothes now - for height more than width.  It's tough to find the right pants.  Luckily, we are coming up on dress season.  Also, she only has 3lbs before we have to turn her forward facing full-time in her current car seats.  3years and 30lbs was my goal and we are almost there.  She may even make it to 4yrs if those 3lbs come on slowly.  I may turn her earlier though, since her body is finally catching up to her head.  What a big milestone that will be for us.  

Dan had to leave today and we will miss him very much.  Duty calls.  Hannah and I will stay until Thursday so that we can celebrate the first night of Passover with the family.  There are great parks here and wonderful outdoor shopping areas.  When it's just the girls, we relax a lot and play a lot and shop a lot.  I am looking forward to it.  We really wanted to swim, but it's not quite warm enough yet; the pool water is still freezing.  We haven't found any indoor pools, but are hunting for one.  I'll let you know if we make it to the pool.

I have tons of pics I have been meaning to post from home and from California, but I don't know how to do it here and they have Macs and I will not risk messing something up.  I will post several pics when we return home.  Hopefully that will catch everyone up.  

I will get back to mingling with family now.  See you all next week.

Miracles

I have been thinking a lot lately, A LOT - as a matter of fact, my brain rarely shuts up these days. I think about Eva, Hannah, Dan, our marriage, our future, my family, my wonderful friends, etc. All these thoughts bring me back to the Lord and just how wonderful He is to me. He is really wonderful, beyond measure, and beyond words, and beyond any human comprehension. Several things have happened in the last 2 weeks that are no doubt God showing Himself to me. It is really easy to get lost in anger and despair in times like this. It is really easy to turn on God, to blame Him for the heartaches we endure. However, I am grateful to have a real relationship with the Lord so that I know that those thoughts of anger and despair are not from God nor should they be directed AT God. As a matter of fact, He will use these heartaches for good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." My relationship with the Lord has grown tremendously through this, as I am learning what it really means to Trust Him, to really TRUST HIM in all ways.

As I was leaving the meeting with the neonatologist on the 12th of last month, I was finally SURE that I was not going to deliver Eva early. I was given peace that told me what my decision would be. As I sat in the car after the meeting, I spoke with God and told Him that I was trusting Him with Eva, with my pregnancy, with Eva's birth, her life, her death, my marriage, with everything in my life really. The next day, Hannah and I were browsing Target clearance (which is our weekly routine) and I was thinking we should look at journals so that I could write my thoughts to Eva and save them forever. I was wanting something really special, not just any old journal. Just as we rounded the corner to look at the clearance end cap, THIS journal was sitting there right on top. Was this a sign or what?

Second huge sign was this past Tuesday. I had an appointment with my OB and they did an ultrasound to check on Eva before my trip. It was not a great appointment as they told me that my placenta is large, my amniotic fluid is low, and the tech "thinks" that the valve in Eva's heart has stopped working. None of those things are good signs. I left feeling let down and a little low. I didn't want things to look any worse than they had been last time, but they seem to be. I came home and checked my blogs during nap time. I opened to these two entries by two moms I have been "following". I have spoken of the "Bring the Rain" blog (this mom lost her daughter shortly after birth) and MckMama's son wasn't given a chance to live as his heart was failing even in the womb. However, after birth he amazed the Doctors and was able to go home (he is now having heart trouble again after 4months of being healthy). These two entries are related and the first one references the second. If you have time, you should really read these entries and even the ones before and after them. This was exactly what I needed on that day. It is amazing that as I read about these two women, and many others who have lived this nightmare, I have had these EXACT same thoughts and emotions. There is an odd connection between anyone who has lived this. I realize, too, how Eva IS a miracle. The things God is doing through her and with her IS a miracle. Every minute I get to hold her in my womb IS a miracle. Every minute He allows us to spend with her IS a mircle. I have no doubt there is more in store for us through this little life. Eva is more than a set of "imbalanced chromosomes"; she is more than a list of "abnormalities"; she is my daughter and she is a child of God and she IS a miracle. So, after reading these entries and thinking this for several hours, I find this photo frame at the consignment shop. Just another in a series of ways God is showing Himself to me through all of this.

Also, during Bible study last week, we read an entry about God being sovereign and how we cannot change Him or His will (this is what MckMama was writing about too). He knows all before it happens. He knows our prayers before we speak them. We beseech Him in many ways, but our ways are not His ways and our plans are not His plans. That is why I will continue to praise Him through all of this heartache. I will praise Him if He heals Eva, I will praise Him if He takes her home from my womb, I will praise Him if He allows us to meet her, I will praise Him for every second He may allow us to spend with her, and I will continue to praise Him forever and ever, even after Eva is gone - no matter how much time we are allowed with her. He will make many miracles from her life. He already has in many ways - I am changed, my marriage is changed, my relationships with friends and family are changed. Those are all miracles that God has allowed through Eva's life so far. I know there will be many, many more.

I am also writing an entry in Eva's journal where I specialize Psalm 139 just for her. I have read that Psalm over and over and over again. It is amazing and gives me such peace in knowing that God knows Eva personally and is caring for her and will be with her forever. He knows every hair on her head and every minute that her life will bring. He already knows her and loves her, just as He does each of His children. If you have a chance, read Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16. I will post my "special" version when I can.

Finally, my Aunt asked if there was anything she could do for us. She lives in San Diego and rarely gets to visit. She had a baby blanket knitted for Hannah and I thought it would be very special if we had one just like it (only smaller) to wrap Eva in during our time with her. She is having it made right now. What a special keep sake that will be; for both of our daughters to have the same baby blanket. Here is a portion of Hannah's blanket that will be copied for Eva.

Anything else? Can I get a break? A little one? Please?

Well, the ants are dying as they come in. That is a great thing, except I am cleaning up ant carcasses every day again. What ever, as long as stay away. Hannah is still sure she sees ants everywhere. As soon as they stop coming in, maybe she will believe me that they can't get her.

Other than that, I am about to leave to get $450 of repairs done on my car. I drove to two different places and called a few more to get the best estimate on brakes and a new belt. I was even told my A/C compressor is going out. That is a huge repair, but we are waiting to see if it actually goes out. If it does, we are in trouble. Dan may have to drive my car this summer since he can stand the heat with the windows down and rarely uses the A/C anyway. My car isn't 5 yrs old and only has 61,000 miles.

Is all this really necessary? Can I please get a break from the expensive repairs and unnecessary drama in my life. I think that baby Eva is just about all I should have to handle right now. So, can I please get a break for a little while? Just a little break? I just want more than a few good days in a row before I get beaten down again. I'm trying to deal with all of this as best I can and stay positive and look for the end and the meaning that might be found in all of this, but really, I'm just tired. I need that break. I need more good days than bad for just a little while. Please?

Also, I have been shopping for Hannah Spring clothes. This means walking through the baby section at every store we go to. It's finally hitting me and making me sad that I won't be buying any cute new outfits for Eva. Well, I will buy a few, but they will only be used once and I need to shop for preemie clothes because she will likely be very small. It's finally starting to get me bummed out. Hannah needs clothes, but I wish her size wasn't right next to the newborn stuff. When I'm already having a bad day, that just really bums me out.

My breasts are also starting to fill up and that is just a reminder that my milk will come in and I won't have a baby to feed. I am really hoping that I get to feed Eva just once. If she can't nurse, I will pump for her and feed her another way. I loved my nursing relationship with Hannah obviously, since we did it for so long, and I long for that with Eva. I will miss that a lot. I am dreading the process of my milk coming in and having to dry it up with no baby. I'm sure that will be part of the grieving.

This all sucks. I really need more than a few days to deal with all of this in a healthy way, start to feel better, and have some fun and "normal" days before I get knocked down again. Really! Stop knocking me down. Please give us several months to just deal with Eva and not our house being infested or our walls falling down or our cars breaking down or our bank account running dry or death in the family or poisoning from our own furnace or any more expensive repairs of anything that make it clear that our debt is piling up fast and and the stack of medical bills is growing every day. PLEASE! Just give it a rest! Give us a break!

Thank you! Now I'm off to fix the car and hopefully go shopping by myself for a few hours and unwind while Dan cares for Hannah on his ONE day off this week. Just a few hours of uninterrupted fun for me would be nice. I hope I find something fun for myself on sale so I can justify buying something for myself for a change (other than donuts and soda).

Just came back to add that I really am doing ok - all things considered. I am handling things well without becoming a basket case, and that is no small feat. Don't worry about me, just pray that we are able to stand on our feet for while without being knocked down. Even if we are knocked down again, I have no doubt that we will get back up and keep going because we have the Lord on our side and he will carry us through. The Evil One, our Soul's enemy, can keep trying but he will not break us. We know someone who can always pick us up and put us back together again.

ants update

I thought they got the hint and went away, but when we got home from play group, there were many, many, many of them. I had dead ant carcass all over the front floor until I picked up all the toys and cleaned up. Gross! I called in Orkin - they will be here Friday morning. My dad is picking up the tab; he's so sweet. He told me to not waste my time buying different things and sprinkling food on my floor, so we called in the professionals. I hope the treatment lasts through the summer. The best part? It also covers other pests as well, even spiders, centipedes, and mice. Hopefully we will be pest free for a few months. I'll let you know.

Also, playgroup was AWESOME this morning! It was close to 70 degrees while we were there at the Bull's house and we played outside the whole time. Hannah really enjoyed it and I needed to get the sun. I love T-shirt and flipflop weather. I hope it stays.

Ants!

We are fighting ants here again. We did this last year too. They are the little black ones. They don't seem to be too smart or organized, just annoying. I put down cinnamon inside the house and then spread granules around the garden outside the front of the house, but they are not deterred. It's freaking Hannah out. It looks like they are coming in under the baseboards under the front windows. I can't ever see them entering, though. Help! I don't want to spray poison in the house, but maybe I should get a spray for the outside. At first they were staying around the front area, but I cleaned the area well, and today they ventured inside and found the dog food. Now I have to keep that picked up most of the day, but the cabinets are next. UGH! Make them go away!

Our month in pictures

Well, I am feeling better today, so I thought I would finally post some pictures from our month. I realize looking at these that I don't take near enough pictures. In the last week alone we:
Sat - saw Disney on Ice and enjoyed pop corn and cotton candy.
Sun - enjoyed time with friends at our Bible Study group.
Mon - went to Chick Fil A with friends and played on the play ground.
Tues - went to story time then Hannah stayed with friends while I waited for the new furnace.
Wed - went to play group at a huge indoor play ground.
Thur - Madeline came over to play so that her mom could sleep off her cold.
Fri - went to the Hinze's to play with friends.
Sat - went to the zoo with friends and enjoyed 70 degree weather.
Sun - continued to enjoy the warm weather by going to the mall to ride the cars (only have phone pics) and went to Bible Study for more time with good friends.
Today, we are off to the airport to welcome Daddy back home. We will be going grocery shopping and buying healthy snacks for all of us - as I ate a whole box of powdered sugar donuts last night (part before bed and then two more helpings at different times in the middle of the night - I don't sleep well when Dan is away) and am really feeling the effects today. I need to buy fruits and vegetables.
Who knows what this week will bring, but I'm hopeful I will continue to feel better each day.

Now for the few pictures I have from all that activity. There are a ton from Disney on Ice, but it was a fun night and I know my family is dying for pictures. Please forgive the volume of pics, but I don't take the time to download often.

DISNEY ON ICE: Sitting on Mom's lap
In aweSharing pop corn with DaddyAfter we sent Daddy for some cotton candyThe resulting mess (can you see how shiny her hands are?)The clean up
Now I'll sit in Daddy's lap because he shared the good stuffThe girls
The Family
Some of the action


Playing Doctor with Daddy and the puppies

This is how Hannah spends much of her time - lining up her toys and making me take pictures. She is very proud. She said it was a birthday cake after she added the crayons to the circle of fish. Then she thought they should be in a row on the table - she took the last two pictures herself.
Our day at the zoo. She wouldn't let the Boppy go. We looked at the Gorillas for a while, then the aquarium - our favorite. She wouldn't turn around for me here, but, yes, she still had blanky and boppy.
Finally, our Play Doh hearts. We need to make one for Daddy, too. Maybe tonight.

Broken

I am very, very broken right now. I feel as though I am walking in a daze. Every morning I wake up and it takes a minute to remember that it's morning and then it hits me again that I am carrying my daughter that I will never get to know. That minute in the morning before I remember is probably the most peace I have in a day. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. All I want to do is curl back up and fall back asleep. I have to make myself put my feet on the floor. Make myself get up and get dressed. I make myself walk into Hannah's room to start the day. I ask her to come with me back to bed and watch cartoons. She always refuses and says, "no, Mommy, the living room." I am not ready for the living room yet. The living room brings life and I don't want to be in this life right now. It's not the life I want. I don't want to live this. I don't want to walk in this. I know that God is using Hannah to get me through the day. I know that he is carrying me through the day. He has placed friends in my life that are carrying me through the day. I have made myself get out of the house several times in the last 2 weeks. We have gone to play dates and even the zoo. I do it for Hannah. I do it to escape the house. I just go through the motions. I am not myself at all. I am a shell of a person. I am alone in my grief. I catch glimpses of happiness when I see Hannah's joy. I know that she senses my grief. I want to spare her from this, but I know that I can't. I just try to smile as much as I can and make myself play with her even when it hurts. Tonight she asked me to help her with her Play Doh. I hate Play Doh. I didn't know I would be involved in this when I bought the stuff. I tried to refuse and she insisted that she needed help making a heart. I couldn't turn her down and we sat together and made hearts. We made 3 - one large and two smaller ones. I couldn't help but think that they represted my heart and the hearts of my two daughters. It made me smile and cry at the same time. I just feel so broken and don't know how I am going to survive this.

I have found comfort in the blog I wrote about before, "Bring the Rain". I think you can find it if you search for Audrey Caroline at blogspot. This woman knows what I am walking in because she has been here too. As I read her words I am blown away by the fact that she has written exactly what I am feeling. Exactly. I read her words and think "YES!" that's exactly what it's like. That's exactly what I feel. Reading what she went through and how she got through it is helping me. I read her entries when I can, when I have a few minutes here and there, when it's ok to cry (I hate for Hannah to see me cry). I have also been able to turn to an old friend who has been where I'm at. I was with her when she was mourning the loss of her 3rd child by miscarraige and then again when she was celebrating the survival of her daughter, born at 29weeks, and I was there at the funeral of her son born too soon at 24weeks - he passed away in her arms. We spoke on the phone for hours last night. She told me of her regrets so that I could try to avoid them with my daughter. We spoke about how to plan for a child's death, how to plan a service, burial, memories, how to tell a toddler that their sibling is not coming home, etc. We spoke of these things so openly and easily. Only a woman who has been here can understand the feelings that come with it. It is horrible to imagine planning the death of your child, but doing so gives peace at the same time. I am planning these things so that I make sure to honor her life. I want to acknowledge that she is my daughter, that I love her, that she is wanted, and I will honor her while she is here - how ever long that is- and I will honor her in death. Planning these things for her is giving me peace.

I lay in bed at night just wanting to fall asleep and foget for a little while, but that is always when she chooses to kick me. I lay in bed for hours just pushing on my stomach and watching it twitch. Just trying to enjoy every moment I have with her. Imagining her playing in my womb, kicking her feet, trying to put them in her mouth like she did during the sonogram. I am amazed that she is holding on. There has to be a reason that she is still here, heart still beating, still moving and playing. I will do my best to enjoy these late night hours, in spite of my exhaustion. I know these moments are the only ones I will have of her.

I don't like opening up and showing my weakness to my friends. I feel so fragile and exposed at times like this. I guess I just needed to let everyone know what I really feel. I am not strong or brave or anything other than sad, and scared, and broken. I walk through the day because I have to. I take care of Hannah because I have to. I only eat when my body tells me I have to. I only bathe out of concern for other's who have to be around me. I only take out the trash because I can't stand the smell. I only do the dishes so that I have something to feed my daughter on (Dan can fend for himself). I only do the things I have to do. I only leave the house because it is a distraction. It takes me away from the bed I want to crawl into. It gives Hannah something to do so that I can be quiet for a little while. I only go around my friends so that I may listen to conversation that doesn't revolve around sadness. Even during those moments, when I am pretending to be normal, I am constantly thinking about what I am preparing for. It never leaves me. I am walking in a daze and feel so broken. I long for nap time and bed time so I can just be. I am only functioning because of the Grace of God and the support of those who are showing me love.

I have written this to get my thoughts out and I struggled with rather or not to post it. I have no other outlet and I guess it's ok to be vulnerable in front of my friends and family. I won't likely open up like this in person. I just need you to know that I am not strong. I am weak and I need help. I need prayer. I need so many things that I don't even know what they are.

P.S. I have thought of a name for my daughter. I'm not sure if it's the right one. Everytime I talk to her, it feels weird to give her a name. Nothing seems to fit her. I don't know if I will decide until I meet her. I will leave her name unspoken for now, until I decide what's right. For now, she's just my baby girl. I love her very much and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her all these things.

Oh Hannah.....

Just to update from last night. Hannah only called me in one time last night so I let her pick out one book and she also talked me into a game, but we had a rough day and she was really good at Erin's house, so I think it's ok.

So tonight, she goes to bed easily again...for about 30min. Then I hear her start talking to herself...then I hear her build up "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" louder and louder each time. I go in and she stands up with a mischievous grin on her face and holds up her fingers one by one as she says:
"I have a pee pee"
"I have a cough"
"My elbow hurts"
I say, "your elbow hurts?".
"AND, I have a pee pee AND I have cough"
I know this translates to, I need a new diaper, I need water, and Daddy needs to kiss my elbow.
So, we change diaper, while Hannah gives herself a little bath with a wipe (she also washes my arms). Then she asks for water. I bring her the purple cup that is waiting by her door and she says "no, pink water". Well, earlier in the night she chose the purple cup so I said "no, this is the only water for tonight". Ok, then she needs a kiss on the elbow. I go to kiss her and she says "no, Daddy kiss it". Well, Daddy went to sleep early for once so we are not disturbing him. She settles for my kisses then asks for several more drinks of water.

I finally had to threaten her with no story time tomorrow if she didn't lay down right then and not call me in again.

I haven't heard from her since. I hope she doesn't think she will get a treat every time she goes to bed. I'll just have to come up with a punishment system rather than a reward. She really is something else....