Monday, March 30, 2009

Miracles

I have been thinking a lot lately, A LOT - as a matter of fact, my brain rarely shuts up these days. I think about Eva, Hannah, Dan, our marriage, our future, my family, my wonderful friends, etc. All these thoughts bring me back to the Lord and just how wonderful He is to me. He is really wonderful, beyond measure, and beyond words, and beyond any human comprehension. Several things have happened in the last 2 weeks that are no doubt God showing Himself to me. It is really easy to get lost in anger and despair in times like this. It is really easy to turn on God, to blame Him for the heartaches we endure. However, I am grateful to have a real relationship with the Lord so that I know that those thoughts of anger and despair are not from God nor should they be directed AT God. As a matter of fact, He will use these heartaches for good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." My relationship with the Lord has grown tremendously through this, as I am learning what it really means to Trust Him, to really TRUST HIM in all ways.

As I was leaving the meeting with the neonatologist on the 12th of last month, I was finally SURE that I was not going to deliver Eva early. I was given peace that told me what my decision would be. As I sat in the car after the meeting, I spoke with God and told Him that I was trusting Him with Eva, with my pregnancy, with Eva's birth, her life, her death, my marriage, with everything in my life really. The next day, Hannah and I were browsing Target clearance (which is our weekly routine) and I was thinking we should look at journals so that I could write my thoughts to Eva and save them forever. I was wanting something really special, not just any old journal. Just as we rounded the corner to look at the clearance end cap, THIS journal was sitting there right on top. Was this a sign or what?

Second huge sign was this past Tuesday. I had an appointment with my OB and they did an ultrasound to check on Eva before my trip. It was not a great appointment as they told me that my placenta is large, my amniotic fluid is low, and the tech "thinks" that the valve in Eva's heart has stopped working. None of those things are good signs. I left feeling let down and a little low. I didn't want things to look any worse than they had been last time, but they seem to be. I came home and checked my blogs during nap time. I opened to these two entries by two moms I have been "following". I have spoken of the "Bring the Rain" blog (this mom lost her daughter shortly after birth) and MckMama's son wasn't given a chance to live as his heart was failing even in the womb. However, after birth he amazed the Doctors and was able to go home (he is now having heart trouble again after 4months of being healthy). These two entries are related and the first one references the second. If you have time, you should really read these entries and even the ones before and after them. This was exactly what I needed on that day. It is amazing that as I read about these two women, and many others who have lived this nightmare, I have had these EXACT same thoughts and emotions. There is an odd connection between anyone who has lived this. I realize, too, how Eva IS a miracle. The things God is doing through her and with her IS a miracle. Every minute I get to hold her in my womb IS a miracle. Every minute He allows us to spend with her IS a mircle. I have no doubt there is more in store for us through this little life. Eva is more than a set of "imbalanced chromosomes"; she is more than a list of "abnormalities"; she is my daughter and she is a child of God and she IS a miracle. So, after reading these entries and thinking this for several hours, I find this photo frame at the consignment shop. Just another in a series of ways God is showing Himself to me through all of this.

Also, during Bible study last week, we read an entry about God being sovereign and how we cannot change Him or His will (this is what MckMama was writing about too). He knows all before it happens. He knows our prayers before we speak them. We beseech Him in many ways, but our ways are not His ways and our plans are not His plans. That is why I will continue to praise Him through all of this heartache. I will praise Him if He heals Eva, I will praise Him if He takes her home from my womb, I will praise Him if He allows us to meet her, I will praise Him for every second He may allow us to spend with her, and I will continue to praise Him forever and ever, even after Eva is gone - no matter how much time we are allowed with her. He will make many miracles from her life. He already has in many ways - I am changed, my marriage is changed, my relationships with friends and family are changed. Those are all miracles that God has allowed through Eva's life so far. I know there will be many, many more.

I am also writing an entry in Eva's journal where I specialize Psalm 139 just for her. I have read that Psalm over and over and over again. It is amazing and gives me such peace in knowing that God knows Eva personally and is caring for her and will be with her forever. He knows every hair on her head and every minute that her life will bring. He already knows her and loves her, just as He does each of His children. If you have a chance, read Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16. I will post my "special" version when I can.

Finally, my Aunt asked if there was anything she could do for us. She lives in San Diego and rarely gets to visit. She had a baby blanket knitted for Hannah and I thought it would be very special if we had one just like it (only smaller) to wrap Eva in during our time with her. She is having it made right now. What a special keep sake that will be; for both of our daughters to have the same baby blanket. Here is a portion of Hannah's blanket that will be copied for Eva.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Anything else? Can I get a break? A little one? Please?

Well, the ants are dying as they come in. That is a great thing, except I am cleaning up ant carcasses every day again. What ever, as long as stay away. Hannah is still sure she sees ants everywhere. As soon as they stop coming in, maybe she will believe me that they can't get her.

Other than that, I am about to leave to get $450 of repairs done on my car. I drove to two different places and called a few more to get the best estimate on brakes and a new belt. I was even told my A/C compressor is going out. That is a huge repair, but we are waiting to see if it actually goes out. If it does, we are in trouble. Dan may have to drive my car this summer since he can stand the heat with the windows down and rarely uses the A/C anyway. My car isn't 5 yrs old and only has 61,000 miles.

Is all this really necessary? Can I please get a break from the expensive repairs and unnecessary drama in my life. I think that baby Eva is just about all I should have to handle right now. So, can I please get a break for a little while? Just a little break? I just want more than a few good days in a row before I get beaten down again. I'm trying to deal with all of this as best I can and stay positive and look for the end and the meaning that might be found in all of this, but really, I'm just tired. I need that break. I need more good days than bad for just a little while. Please?

Also, I have been shopping for Hannah Spring clothes. This means walking through the baby section at every store we go to. It's finally hitting me and making me sad that I won't be buying any cute new outfits for Eva. Well, I will buy a few, but they will only be used once and I need to shop for preemie clothes because she will likely be very small. It's finally starting to get me bummed out. Hannah needs clothes, but I wish her size wasn't right next to the newborn stuff. When I'm already having a bad day, that just really bums me out.

My breasts are also starting to fill up and that is just a reminder that my milk will come in and I won't have a baby to feed. I am really hoping that I get to feed Eva just once. If she can't nurse, I will pump for her and feed her another way. I loved my nursing relationship with Hannah obviously, since we did it for so long, and I long for that with Eva. I will miss that a lot. I am dreading the process of my milk coming in and having to dry it up with no baby. I'm sure that will be part of the grieving.

This all sucks. I really need more than a few days to deal with all of this in a healthy way, start to feel better, and have some fun and "normal" days before I get knocked down again. Really! Stop knocking me down. Please give us several months to just deal with Eva and not our house being infested or our walls falling down or our cars breaking down or our bank account running dry or death in the family or poisoning from our own furnace or any more expensive repairs of anything that make it clear that our debt is piling up fast and and the stack of medical bills is growing every day. PLEASE! Just give it a rest! Give us a break!

Thank you! Now I'm off to fix the car and hopefully go shopping by myself for a few hours and unwind while Dan cares for Hannah on his ONE day off this week. Just a few hours of uninterrupted fun for me would be nice. I hope I find something fun for myself on sale so I can justify buying something for myself for a change (other than donuts and soda).

Just came back to add that I really am doing ok - all things considered. I am handling things well without becoming a basket case, and that is no small feat. Don't worry about me, just pray that we are able to stand on our feet for while without being knocked down. Even if we are knocked down again, I have no doubt that we will get back up and keep going because we have the Lord on our side and he will carry us through. The Evil One, our Soul's enemy, can keep trying but he will not break us. We know someone who can always pick us up and put us back together again.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

ants update

I thought they got the hint and went away, but when we got home from play group, there were many, many, many of them. I had dead ant carcass all over the front floor until I picked up all the toys and cleaned up. Gross! I called in Orkin - they will be here Friday morning. My dad is picking up the tab; he's so sweet. He told me to not waste my time buying different things and sprinkling food on my floor, so we called in the professionals. I hope the treatment lasts through the summer. The best part? It also covers other pests as well, even spiders, centipedes, and mice. Hopefully we will be pest free for a few months. I'll let you know.

Also, playgroup was AWESOME this morning! It was close to 70 degrees while we were there at the Bull's house and we played outside the whole time. Hannah really enjoyed it and I needed to get the sun. I love T-shirt and flipflop weather. I hope it stays.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Ants!

We are fighting ants here again. We did this last year too. They are the little black ones. They don't seem to be too smart or organized, just annoying. I put down cinnamon inside the house and then spread granules around the garden outside the front of the house, but they are not deterred. It's freaking Hannah out. It looks like they are coming in under the baseboards under the front windows. I can't ever see them entering, though. Help! I don't want to spray poison in the house, but maybe I should get a spray for the outside. At first they were staying around the front area, but I cleaned the area well, and today they ventured inside and found the dog food. Now I have to keep that picked up most of the day, but the cabinets are next. UGH! Make them go away!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Our month in pictures

Well, I am feeling better today, so I thought I would finally post some pictures from our month. I realize looking at these that I don't take near enough pictures. In the last week alone we:
Sat - saw Disney on Ice and enjoyed pop corn and cotton candy.
Sun - enjoyed time with friends at our Bible Study group.
Mon - went to Chick Fil A with friends and played on the play ground.
Tues - went to story time then Hannah stayed with friends while I waited for the new furnace.
Wed - went to play group at a huge indoor play ground.
Thur - Madeline came over to play so that her mom could sleep off her cold.
Fri - went to the Hinze's to play with friends.
Sat - went to the zoo with friends and enjoyed 70 degree weather.
Sun - continued to enjoy the warm weather by going to the mall to ride the cars (only have phone pics) and went to Bible Study for more time with good friends.
Today, we are off to the airport to welcome Daddy back home. We will be going grocery shopping and buying healthy snacks for all of us - as I ate a whole box of powdered sugar donuts last night (part before bed and then two more helpings at different times in the middle of the night - I don't sleep well when Dan is away) and am really feeling the effects today. I need to buy fruits and vegetables.
Who knows what this week will bring, but I'm hopeful I will continue to feel better each day.

Now for the few pictures I have from all that activity. There are a ton from Disney on Ice, but it was a fun night and I know my family is dying for pictures. Please forgive the volume of pics, but I don't take the time to download often.

DISNEY ON ICE: Sitting on Mom's lap
In aweSharing pop corn with DaddyAfter we sent Daddy for some cotton candyThe resulting mess (can you see how shiny her hands are?)The clean up
Now I'll sit in Daddy's lap because he shared the good stuffThe girls
The Family
Some of the action


Playing Doctor with Daddy and the puppies

This is how Hannah spends much of her time - lining up her toys and making me take pictures. She is very proud. She said it was a birthday cake after she added the crayons to the circle of fish. Then she thought they should be in a row on the table - she took the last two pictures herself.
Our day at the zoo. She wouldn't let the Boppy go. We looked at the Gorillas for a while, then the aquarium - our favorite. She wouldn't turn around for me here, but, yes, she still had blanky and boppy.
Finally, our Play Doh hearts. We need to make one for Daddy, too. Maybe tonight.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Broken

I am very, very broken right now. I feel as though I am walking in a daze. Every morning I wake up and it takes a minute to remember that it's morning and then it hits me again that I am carrying my daughter that I will never get to know. That minute in the morning before I remember is probably the most peace I have in a day. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. All I want to do is curl back up and fall back asleep. I have to make myself put my feet on the floor. Make myself get up and get dressed. I make myself walk into Hannah's room to start the day. I ask her to come with me back to bed and watch cartoons. She always refuses and says, "no, Mommy, the living room." I am not ready for the living room yet. The living room brings life and I don't want to be in this life right now. It's not the life I want. I don't want to live this. I don't want to walk in this. I know that God is using Hannah to get me through the day. I know that he is carrying me through the day. He has placed friends in my life that are carrying me through the day. I have made myself get out of the house several times in the last 2 weeks. We have gone to play dates and even the zoo. I do it for Hannah. I do it to escape the house. I just go through the motions. I am not myself at all. I am a shell of a person. I am alone in my grief. I catch glimpses of happiness when I see Hannah's joy. I know that she senses my grief. I want to spare her from this, but I know that I can't. I just try to smile as much as I can and make myself play with her even when it hurts. Tonight she asked me to help her with her Play Doh. I hate Play Doh. I didn't know I would be involved in this when I bought the stuff. I tried to refuse and she insisted that she needed help making a heart. I couldn't turn her down and we sat together and made hearts. We made 3 - one large and two smaller ones. I couldn't help but think that they represted my heart and the hearts of my two daughters. It made me smile and cry at the same time. I just feel so broken and don't know how I am going to survive this.

I have found comfort in the blog I wrote about before, "Bring the Rain". I think you can find it if you search for Audrey Caroline at blogspot. This woman knows what I am walking in because she has been here too. As I read her words I am blown away by the fact that she has written exactly what I am feeling. Exactly. I read her words and think "YES!" that's exactly what it's like. That's exactly what I feel. Reading what she went through and how she got through it is helping me. I read her entries when I can, when I have a few minutes here and there, when it's ok to cry (I hate for Hannah to see me cry). I have also been able to turn to an old friend who has been where I'm at. I was with her when she was mourning the loss of her 3rd child by miscarraige and then again when she was celebrating the survival of her daughter, born at 29weeks, and I was there at the funeral of her son born too soon at 24weeks - he passed away in her arms. We spoke on the phone for hours last night. She told me of her regrets so that I could try to avoid them with my daughter. We spoke about how to plan for a child's death, how to plan a service, burial, memories, how to tell a toddler that their sibling is not coming home, etc. We spoke of these things so openly and easily. Only a woman who has been here can understand the feelings that come with it. It is horrible to imagine planning the death of your child, but doing so gives peace at the same time. I am planning these things so that I make sure to honor her life. I want to acknowledge that she is my daughter, that I love her, that she is wanted, and I will honor her while she is here - how ever long that is- and I will honor her in death. Planning these things for her is giving me peace.

I lay in bed at night just wanting to fall asleep and foget for a little while, but that is always when she chooses to kick me. I lay in bed for hours just pushing on my stomach and watching it twitch. Just trying to enjoy every moment I have with her. Imagining her playing in my womb, kicking her feet, trying to put them in her mouth like she did during the sonogram. I am amazed that she is holding on. There has to be a reason that she is still here, heart still beating, still moving and playing. I will do my best to enjoy these late night hours, in spite of my exhaustion. I know these moments are the only ones I will have of her.

I don't like opening up and showing my weakness to my friends. I feel so fragile and exposed at times like this. I guess I just needed to let everyone know what I really feel. I am not strong or brave or anything other than sad, and scared, and broken. I walk through the day because I have to. I take care of Hannah because I have to. I only eat when my body tells me I have to. I only bathe out of concern for other's who have to be around me. I only take out the trash because I can't stand the smell. I only do the dishes so that I have something to feed my daughter on (Dan can fend for himself). I only do the things I have to do. I only leave the house because it is a distraction. It takes me away from the bed I want to crawl into. It gives Hannah something to do so that I can be quiet for a little while. I only go around my friends so that I may listen to conversation that doesn't revolve around sadness. Even during those moments, when I am pretending to be normal, I am constantly thinking about what I am preparing for. It never leaves me. I am walking in a daze and feel so broken. I long for nap time and bed time so I can just be. I am only functioning because of the Grace of God and the support of those who are showing me love.

I have written this to get my thoughts out and I struggled with rather or not to post it. I have no other outlet and I guess it's ok to be vulnerable in front of my friends and family. I won't likely open up like this in person. I just need you to know that I am not strong. I am weak and I need help. I need prayer. I need so many things that I don't even know what they are.

P.S. I have thought of a name for my daughter. I'm not sure if it's the right one. Everytime I talk to her, it feels weird to give her a name. Nothing seems to fit her. I don't know if I will decide until I meet her. I will leave her name unspoken for now, until I decide what's right. For now, she's just my baby girl. I love her very much and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her all these things.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Oh Hannah.....

Just to update from last night. Hannah only called me in one time last night so I let her pick out one book and she also talked me into a game, but we had a rough day and she was really good at Erin's house, so I think it's ok.

So tonight, she goes to bed easily again...for about 30min. Then I hear her start talking to herself...then I hear her build up "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" louder and louder each time. I go in and she stands up with a mischievous grin on her face and holds up her fingers one by one as she says:
"I have a pee pee"
"I have a cough"
"My elbow hurts"
I say, "your elbow hurts?".
"AND, I have a pee pee AND I have cough"
I know this translates to, I need a new diaper, I need water, and Daddy needs to kiss my elbow.
So, we change diaper, while Hannah gives herself a little bath with a wipe (she also washes my arms). Then she asks for water. I bring her the purple cup that is waiting by her door and she says "no, pink water". Well, earlier in the night she chose the purple cup so I said "no, this is the only water for tonight". Ok, then she needs a kiss on the elbow. I go to kiss her and she says "no, Daddy kiss it". Well, Daddy went to sleep early for once so we are not disturbing him. She settles for my kisses then asks for several more drinks of water.

I finally had to threaten her with no story time tomorrow if she didn't lay down right then and not call me in again.

I haven't heard from her since. I hope she doesn't think she will get a treat every time she goes to bed. I'll just have to come up with a punishment system rather than a reward. She really is something else....

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Our Brilliant Hannah

As I was reading to Hannah tonight, she started to say the words before I had read them. Each time I turned the page, I waited to see if she knew what was coming. She did! She really amazes us more every day! At the end of the book she asked to read it again. I let her read it to me and called Dan in half-way through so he could marvel at our brilliant daughter. She promised to go to bed without trouble tonight if I take her to the book store and buy her "five" (her new magic numbuer) new Clifford books. I guess that's a good deal, but now I hear that she's already calling for me. We'll see if she earns her books or not. Maybe we'll just get "two" (her other magic number).
By the way, the book she has memorized is Clifford's Family. We got it from the Advocates group while we were decorating the children's room in the ER. Thanks ladies!

P.S. We had a great time at Disney on Ice last night. Hannah wished there was more Mickey, but she still enjoyed every second of it. She even talked us into buying popcorn AND cotton candy and even got a Buzz Light Year ("buzz light beer") action figure at the end of the night. I will post pics from our night tomorrow - Dan has the desk top occupied for the night working on a case presentation - AGAIN!