Well, the ants are dying as they come in. That is a great thing, except I am cleaning up ant carcasses every day again. What ever, as long as stay away. Hannah is still sure she sees ants everywhere. As soon as they stop coming in, maybe she will believe me that they can't get her.
Other than that, I am about to leave to get $450 of repairs done on my car. I drove to two different places and called a few more to get the best estimate on brakes and a new belt. I was even told my A/C compressor is going out. That is a huge repair, but we are waiting to see if it actually goes out. If it does, we are in trouble. Dan may have to drive my car this summer since he can stand the heat with the windows down and rarely uses the A/C anyway. My car isn't 5 yrs old and only has 61,000 miles.
Is all this really necessary? Can I please get a break from the expensive repairs and unnecessary drama in my life. I think that baby Eva is just about all I should have to handle right now. So, can I please get a break for a little while? Just a little break? I just want more than a few good days in a row before I get beaten down again. I'm trying to deal with all of this as best I can and stay positive and look for the end and the meaning that might be found in all of this, but really, I'm just tired. I need that break. I need more good days than bad for just a little while. Please?
Also, I have been shopping for Hannah Spring clothes. This means walking through the baby section at every store we go to. It's finally hitting me and making me sad that I won't be buying any cute new outfits for Eva. Well, I will buy a few, but they will only be used once and I need to shop for preemie clothes because she will likely be very small. It's finally starting to get me bummed out. Hannah needs clothes, but I wish her size wasn't right next to the newborn stuff. When I'm already having a bad day, that just really bums me out.
My breasts are also starting to fill up and that is just a reminder that my milk will come in and I won't have a baby to feed. I am really hoping that I get to feed Eva just once. If she can't nurse, I will pump for her and feed her another way. I loved my nursing relationship with Hannah obviously, since we did it for so long, and I long for that with Eva. I will miss that a lot. I am dreading the process of my milk coming in and having to dry it up with no baby. I'm sure that will be part of the grieving.
This all sucks. I really need more than a few days to deal with all of this in a healthy way, start to feel better, and have some fun and "normal" days before I get knocked down again. Really! Stop knocking me down. Please give us several months to just deal with Eva and not our house being infested or our walls falling down or our cars breaking down or our bank account running dry or death in the family or poisoning from our own furnace or any more expensive repairs of anything that make it clear that our debt is piling up fast and and the stack of medical bills is growing every day. PLEASE! Just give it a rest! Give us a break!
Thank you! Now I'm off to fix the car and hopefully go shopping by myself for a few hours and unwind while Dan cares for Hannah on his ONE day off this week. Just a few hours of uninterrupted fun for me would be nice. I hope I find something fun for myself on sale so I can justify buying something for myself for a change (other than donuts and soda).
Just came back to add that I really am doing ok - all things considered. I am handling things well without becoming a basket case, and that is no small feat. Don't worry about me, just pray that we are able to stand on our feet for while without being knocked down. Even if we are knocked down again, I have no doubt that we will get back up and keep going because we have the Lord on our side and he will carry us through. The Evil One, our Soul's enemy, can keep trying but he will not break us. We know someone who can always pick us up and put us back together again.
2 comments:
Your family is in our thoughts and prayers! I hope you get that "fun" and "relaxation" needed.
You are surrounded by a group of prayer warriors.. . keeping you and Eva, as well as all of your family, each day (and as many moments of the day as thought of) in our prayers. It will not be for naught. Please be at peace . . you're doing great. Persevere. It is only through trials that we are tested, and only through persevering that we triumph, in Christ. You are loved, and Immanuel is with you.
I personally have never met you, but I keep you--and Eva--in my heart and in my prayers.
God bless. And He will.
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