Miracles

I have been thinking a lot lately, A LOT - as a matter of fact, my brain rarely shuts up these days. I think about Eva, Hannah, Dan, our marriage, our future, my family, my wonderful friends, etc. All these thoughts bring me back to the Lord and just how wonderful He is to me. He is really wonderful, beyond measure, and beyond words, and beyond any human comprehension. Several things have happened in the last 2 weeks that are no doubt God showing Himself to me. It is really easy to get lost in anger and despair in times like this. It is really easy to turn on God, to blame Him for the heartaches we endure. However, I am grateful to have a real relationship with the Lord so that I know that those thoughts of anger and despair are not from God nor should they be directed AT God. As a matter of fact, He will use these heartaches for good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." My relationship with the Lord has grown tremendously through this, as I am learning what it really means to Trust Him, to really TRUST HIM in all ways.

As I was leaving the meeting with the neonatologist on the 12th of last month, I was finally SURE that I was not going to deliver Eva early. I was given peace that told me what my decision would be. As I sat in the car after the meeting, I spoke with God and told Him that I was trusting Him with Eva, with my pregnancy, with Eva's birth, her life, her death, my marriage, with everything in my life really. The next day, Hannah and I were browsing Target clearance (which is our weekly routine) and I was thinking we should look at journals so that I could write my thoughts to Eva and save them forever. I was wanting something really special, not just any old journal. Just as we rounded the corner to look at the clearance end cap, THIS journal was sitting there right on top. Was this a sign or what?

Second huge sign was this past Tuesday. I had an appointment with my OB and they did an ultrasound to check on Eva before my trip. It was not a great appointment as they told me that my placenta is large, my amniotic fluid is low, and the tech "thinks" that the valve in Eva's heart has stopped working. None of those things are good signs. I left feeling let down and a little low. I didn't want things to look any worse than they had been last time, but they seem to be. I came home and checked my blogs during nap time. I opened to these two entries by two moms I have been "following". I have spoken of the "Bring the Rain" blog (this mom lost her daughter shortly after birth) and MckMama's son wasn't given a chance to live as his heart was failing even in the womb. However, after birth he amazed the Doctors and was able to go home (he is now having heart trouble again after 4months of being healthy). These two entries are related and the first one references the second. If you have time, you should really read these entries and even the ones before and after them. This was exactly what I needed on that day. It is amazing that as I read about these two women, and many others who have lived this nightmare, I have had these EXACT same thoughts and emotions. There is an odd connection between anyone who has lived this. I realize, too, how Eva IS a miracle. The things God is doing through her and with her IS a miracle. Every minute I get to hold her in my womb IS a miracle. Every minute He allows us to spend with her IS a mircle. I have no doubt there is more in store for us through this little life. Eva is more than a set of "imbalanced chromosomes"; she is more than a list of "abnormalities"; she is my daughter and she is a child of God and she IS a miracle. So, after reading these entries and thinking this for several hours, I find this photo frame at the consignment shop. Just another in a series of ways God is showing Himself to me through all of this.

Also, during Bible study last week, we read an entry about God being sovereign and how we cannot change Him or His will (this is what MckMama was writing about too). He knows all before it happens. He knows our prayers before we speak them. We beseech Him in many ways, but our ways are not His ways and our plans are not His plans. That is why I will continue to praise Him through all of this heartache. I will praise Him if He heals Eva, I will praise Him if He takes her home from my womb, I will praise Him if He allows us to meet her, I will praise Him for every second He may allow us to spend with her, and I will continue to praise Him forever and ever, even after Eva is gone - no matter how much time we are allowed with her. He will make many miracles from her life. He already has in many ways - I am changed, my marriage is changed, my relationships with friends and family are changed. Those are all miracles that God has allowed through Eva's life so far. I know there will be many, many more.

I am also writing an entry in Eva's journal where I specialize Psalm 139 just for her. I have read that Psalm over and over and over again. It is amazing and gives me such peace in knowing that God knows Eva personally and is caring for her and will be with her forever. He knows every hair on her head and every minute that her life will bring. He already knows her and loves her, just as He does each of His children. If you have a chance, read Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16. I will post my "special" version when I can.

Finally, my Aunt asked if there was anything she could do for us. She lives in San Diego and rarely gets to visit. She had a baby blanket knitted for Hannah and I thought it would be very special if we had one just like it (only smaller) to wrap Eva in during our time with her. She is having it made right now. What a special keep sake that will be; for both of our daughters to have the same baby blanket. Here is a portion of Hannah's blanket that will be copied for Eva.